Talkin' shit ain't the same as talkin' truth. Mmm Hmm...

From the Urban Dictionary:

1.	shit talking	51 up, 6 down
	Shit talking occurs when people have too much free time (see: not having a life) and make up rumors or put down others, whether they are enemies, friends, or just random people. Those shit talking scumbags just wasted a whole five minutes of my life complaining about someone who I could really give a shit less about.

I haven't spoken to my best friend since my birthday.  That was April 7.  Almost 6 months ago.  But to be honest, our friendship has been teetering on the edge of demise for almost 4 years.  I would be remiss not to mention that the beginning of the end started with her dating her husband.  Not because he is a horrible person or that he convinced her not to like me anymore but that that is when I saw the change in her.  It is not my place to comment on their relationship and certainly would never do so in as public a forum as a blog. The end of our friendship also has a lot to do with one severely damaged and toxic individual who may be the most opportunistic, self-centered, and sociopathic people I know.  It probably hurts the most that this Evil C-word would be able to influence my friend so easily.  Of course, it does have to do with me "talking shit" about my friend to the Evil C.  I communicated concerns I had about my friend's relationship with her husband and step-child as well as with her emotional well-being that was grossly exaggerated and manipulated to suit the Evil C's master plan.  I now know that I shouldn't have shared this with anyone.  I should have kept the information that my friend shared with me private.  That was my mistake.  I just had to get it off my chest because frankly, you can't say anything to my friend about anything she does.  That's how it's always been.  She can dish it out, but can't take it.

Let's face it, as women, we gossip.  Some more than others.  And our friends do things that we don't agree with or approve of and sometimes we use other friends as sounding boards for our discontent.  It doesn't mean that we dislike each other or that we want to "spread lies" or "talk shit".  There's a certain code that women have - you keep your mouth shut about what someone told you about someone else.  When you see Sally, you don't tell her that Suzy told you that she was leaving her husband for her yoga instructor and moving to Brazil; or whatever the gossip may be.  You keep your mouth shut and your opinions to yourself.  This wasn't the case with the Evil C.  I had a lot of concerns and worry about my friends situation that I didn't think were unfounded and I was stupid enough to allow the Evil C to be my confident.  Big Mistake.  And that was the beginning of the end.  Evil C told my friend, my friend told her husband, I became the bad guy and chaos ensued.  I must also add that in many instances, I exaggerated or "lied" about the severity of the situation for which I am ashamed and very sorry.  I have a tendency to do so when I an stressed or under duress.  Both of which I was during this time due to other happenings in my life.  

I have written and deleted this entry about seven times over the past few days.  I just can't bring myself to tell the intimate details and particulars of the end of our friendship without betraying what I feel is a trust that I still hold onto.  I love her and always will.  Regardless of whether or not we ever speak again, I will always consider her my best friend.  I hope she is happy.  I miss her and the friendship that we had however, I'm not confident that what was broken can be mended.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive and forget and she probably ins't either.  Until then, I will always laugh when I see someone walking down the street eating a banana or when I have to "check the neck" just to be sure.  Only she would know what I was talking about :)