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Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Warning: There's a whoooole lotta NEGATIVITY up in this piece >:/

"My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.  He said okay, you're ugly too." ~Rodney Dangerfield

I'm having one of those days.  Those UGLY days.  I feel like shit and I look like shit.  I hate my hair - it's so straight and fine and I can't do the sock bun that I have been coveting for months and finally learned how to do.  I hate my skin - I am 30 years old and I have fucking acne.  Are you kidding me?  I see a dermatologist, use all this fancy shit, ALWAYS wash my face before bed and am greeted at least twice a week by a big fat ugly zit - on my chin.  I am also fat.  Fatter than I have ever been in my life.  I had to buy a size 6 skirt.  I know, that's a normal size for most people but I am small: 5'3" and tiny bones.  My resting size is a 2.  My working out size is a 0.  And that skirt is pretty dang tight, let me tell you.  I'm also over-whelmed with work, behind on housekeeping and bill filing, and all together just BLAH.

I do believe that I am having myself a BAD DAY. And you know what?  I don't give a ding dang what anyone thinks of all my negativity. Oh, I'm sorry.  Did I just say a bad word?

I know, all you people out there who just LOVE life and are so uber-positive it makes me sick will say some crazy shit like "You are beautiful and capable. Accept who you are and that things change, blah, blah, blah".  That's bullshit.  Then there are the other folks, those devil's advocates if you will (like my mom), who will throw things out there like, "If you don't like that you're fat, do something about it.  Nothing will change if you sit there and complain" or "Well, you chose to own your own business AND work full-time. You had to know it wouldn't be easy".  Umm...DUH!  I know that.  I have the best intentions when it comes to working out and getting healthy.  Drinking more water and organizing my life. Snuggling kitties and dancing under rainbows while singing Zipadee-Doo-Dah.   Because, God forbid, there be any negativity ones head-space.

When did it become a crime to feel blue?  To voice one's opinion about something that they just don't feel so great about? To have a bad day?  Don't get me wrong, I have un-friended folks (mostly acquaintances) on facebook whose status updates are nothing but doom, gloom and drama day after day after day ad nauseum .  It gets draining even on a subconscious level.  But come on! Let me have my day to mourn my 21 year-old self!  My clear skinned, cute haired, 105lb self who's biggest problem was how I was going to study for a mid-term AND go out to pub night.  I don't feel like a bag of shit every day but I don't disallow myself the pleasure of wallowing in self-pity from time to time.

You folks with your "I Love My Life!" statuses and perma-smiles make me weary.  Who are you trying to convince that everything is so hunky-dorey every ding dang day of your life? Me? Or You..? Feeling shitty about yourself or your job or your boyfriend or whatever else it is that you care about in your life is NORMAL.  It's when you feel that way every single day that you should probably talk to someone.  A professional or otherwise.  A once-in-a-blue-moon moanfest is perfectly all right in my books.

And today is my day.  Tomorrow I will wake up early, take my pups for a long walk, eat a healthy breakfast, wear a new outfit, have a super-productive day at work and be back to feeling like my normal (although somewhat cynical and jaded) self.  And guess what?  All will still be right with the world :)

That's me on the beach in Cuba. 24 years old and not a care in the world.  That's not even a school book that I'm reading.  I think it's A Million Little Pieces by James Frey.  You can't tell but my stomach is flat and toned and there ain't a hint of cellulite on those thighs or butt.

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